Road rage

Abundance

September 9, 2009

It’s official. I’m an ass. I’m sure I’m not the only one. You may be one, too.
I’m guessing there is construction going on in your part of the neighborhood. With all of the economic stimulus money circulating, much of it has hit the pavement. I live in Utah, and we were one of the more “shovel-ready” states, with over 80 road projects which had been approved and were just waiting for money. That’s the good news. The bad news is construction delays are the worst I’ve seen in four decades of driving. The really bad news is I’ve heard only 30 percent of our projects are currently being worked on, which means I can look forward to three times the delays I’m experiencing now.
I broadcast a weekly program call Abundance on www.k-talk.com every Sunday from 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. mountain time, which is 9 to 10 Eastern Time, and 6 to 7 for the West Coast. This last week I implored the good people of the Beehive State to be more civil to each other, with a special request to obey the laws and go the speed limit. I even said on the air I wouldn’t cut anyone off in traffic. You can listen to the deadly minute by visiting daneallred.podbean.com.
But there really are some great benefits to obeying the laws. I go the speed limit in the right lane and get passed by almost every car on the road. I do end up passing one or two people every mile or so. I don’t automatically move my foot from the accelerator to the brake when I see a police officer. I’m going the speed limit, so I’m not worried. If I get pulled over, it’s for a broken brake light, and I appreciate the information. I have so little stress when I drive I actually have time to enjoy the drive. I love to drive, and the fact that my air conditioning doesn’t work doesn’t matter. I flip up the soft top on my RTV (which stands for Rough Terrain Vehicle – basically a Jeep but not the Jeep brand), roll down the driver’s side window and let the WD30 do its work (windows down at 30 miles per hour). It doesn’t work if I’m going slower than thirty miles per hour. Summer is my favorite time to drive and let the wind blow through my hair.
After advocating civility two days ago on the radio, I was uncivil today. As the lanes narrowed to one, I passed the big trucks and one guy who had pulled over behind a big rig. I didn’t understand why he pulled over, but then I saw the merge sign. I tried to be nice. I slowed, and let the two cars in front of me merge first, and then I started to move over.
You’ve been next a guy like this. He doesn’t want me to get in front of him, even though we are going 15 miles per hour. He refuses to slow down, and so did I. My car has over 200,000 miles on it and it’s a ninety-five. That’s right. Nineteen-ninety-five. Last century. It’s fourteen years old.
Do you think I care if it gets banged up at 15 miles per hour? It’s got at least 4 “personal touches” which make it a unique car. Two from my daughter, one from my windsurfing board, and a drivers side window you have to hold at the top and pull while you roll the window up with your other hand, or it goes sideways and won’t roll up.
The guy in the other lane is driving a fairly new SUV, I think Kia. He will definitely lose in this stupid game of chicken we are playing. He keeps nose to nose with me as he shifts over into the breakdown lane, because I am a man I now I have made a stand I have to follow through. The cursing began. I was told my mother wasn’t married when I was born, and as I told you above, I was called an ass. I won’t discuss the other invectives, but I have heard them all before and I must admit I have used all of them before. He was right. I was being an ass.
But after the string of insults, he pulled out a gun. Just kidding. We’re in Utah, remember? He pulled behind me, but was definitely not happy about it, judging from the way he tailgated me for the next mile. We may have reached 20 miles per hour, and that meant I was passing the orange cone 2 seconds before my new friend behind me. So when the opportunity presented itself, I decided to do the right thing, and let him in front of me.
I pulled out a gun. Not really, I pulled over, and as he passed me, he restated the obvious truth. I had acted like an ass, and he was there to call me that again. Notice he did not stop, call on me to pull over, or challenge my manhood in any other way, but after hurling those hurtful words one last time, pulled ahead of me.
For the next two miles, he passed the orange cone two seconds before me.
While we dashed from cone to cone at 25 miles per hour, I wondered why I had been so stubborn, why he had been so stubborn, and why road rage is all the rage these days. If the car or truck we drive is the extension of our personalities, then I guess I am a big ass. I did think of a smart retort while we were crawling down the road. Could I pass him again, and when he called me an ass again, shout back to him, “I’ve got one, but so are you.” It’s even more grade school now when I see it written down.
Solutions? I’m open to suggestions, but I yearn for the days of the car Will Smith drives in “I, Robot”. The cars regulate themselves in traffic, you don’t have to steer, and they climb up the sides of buildings. But even Will Smith can’t resist the urge to take off the “auto-pilot” and trash dozens of vehicles in a tunnel.
This next week I think I’ll talk about appearances. I may seem mild-mannered on the outside, but really, I’m an ass.
I guess the future may be just more of the same. Save the right lane for me. And let me merge.

Dane Allred teaches drama, public speaking and hosts a Sunday program on www.k-talk.com every Sunday. He also appears as the cop in “White on Rice”, now in limited release in theatres around the country. He also portrays an alcoholic abusive father in “The Alice Winter”, a recently released short film headed for competition at Cannes.