Twas the Night before Christmas
by Clement C. Moore
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!
Hear me read this classic Christmas with a short introduction to the poem by clicking the button below:
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Burned Rice Twice
Burned Rice Twice
I may be the world’s laziest cook. I do know how to make an omelet, and I even took a cooking class in high school called “Bachelor Survival”. The only think I remember cooking was chocolate mousse, and since no one in my group liked how it tasted, I ate five or six servings. I broke out in hives and had to stay home for a couple of days.
I am also cheap. I don’t like to spend a lot for breakfast or lunch. Since I eat lunch at school, I tried cooking potatoes for a while. It was just a plain potato cooked in a microwave, but after a while it got kind of boring.
About this time I realized I probably needed to start eating breakfast more regularly. So here’s the routine I find myself in nearly every day. I like to cook some oatmeal before school since it only takes a couple of minutes. I don’t really like milk, so I only put some maple syrup on it. Oatmeal is supposed to be good for lowering cholesterol and it also counts as roughage, so I’ve done two good things as the day begins.
Continuing in the single food category, I cook brown rice at school. Brown rice take a while for some reason, so this may be the extent of my culinary skills. Five minutes on high, forty-five on medium, and I have a very filling lunch which can be topped with a little salt or a little sugar. That’s right. Nothing else on the rice; no milk, no spices, no nothing.
The rice is another serving or two of roughage, and the argument I offer for rice everyday for lunch is: 3 billion people who eat rice for every meal can’t be too wrong. Here’s the really strange part of the breakfast and lunch scenario. I’ve gotten used to eating this every day, as in I’ve been eating oatmeal and rice everyday for three or four years now. I ought to do a commercial.
Some people make fun of the fact I eat the same thing every breakfast and lunch. But the good news about rice for lunch is it seems to keep me more awake in the afternoon, where I used to fade before I started the routine.
The only problem with being so regular is that the habit sometimes overtakes the logic of what goes into such a simple meal. The following problem happened not just once, but twice. I thought it happened again the other day, but someone else was responsible that time.
Here’s what happened.
Rice is simple. Shake in the hundreds of grains, fill up with water, maybe add some salt and start cooking. But remember, brown rice cooks for 50 minutes; forty-five minutes at medium after five minutes on high.
The only time I really have problems with this simple recipe is when I get distracted. Usually, I am talking with someone else, or I have something else on my mind. So I’m trying to do two things at once, and since I don’t want to be rude, somewhere in the conversation I forget one of the steps. There really is no excuse, but at least twice I have tried to cook rice without any water.
If you have never been blessed to smell rice cooked without water for fifty minutes, I can give you a few details to help you understand the smell. Think about toast burned completely through, with some hints of coffee. I don’t think there was smoke, but everyone on that side of the building was sure there was a fire somewhere, but they just couldn’t figure out where.
It’s the worst inside the microwave. I’m just glad it didn’t start on fire. I could see the fire department pulling out my plastic bowl of smoking rice and trying to identify who was the idiot who decided to fry rice in the microwave.
Needless to say, the first time I burned the rice there was a general uproar about the fire which was burning somewhere in the building. Imagine my surprise when I opened the microwave and saw a pile of dark brown burned something. I wasn’t smart enough to keep quiet about it, so everyone made fun of the fact I couldn’t even cook plain rice.
They really enjoyed teasing me the second time I burned the rice. Now I am paranoid. Sometimes I go back and double-check to make sure the bowl has rice and water. A couple of weeks ago I smelled what I thought was burning rice and rushed to the microwave. I had remembered to add water, and breathed a sigh of relief.
Someone somewhere was burning toast. That’s okay.
As long as I didn’t get blamed for it.
Listen to this blog by clicking the button below:
I may be the world’s laziest cook. I do know how to make an omelet, and I even took a cooking class in high school called “Bachelor Survival”. The only think I remember cooking was chocolate mousse, and since no one in my group liked how it tasted, I ate five or six servings. I broke out in hives and had to stay home for a couple of days.
I am also cheap. I don’t like to spend a lot for breakfast or lunch. Since I eat lunch at school, I tried cooking potatoes for a while. It was just a plain potato cooked in a microwave, but after a while it got kind of boring.
About this time I realized I probably needed to start eating breakfast more regularly. So here’s the routine I find myself in nearly every day. I like to cook some oatmeal before school since it only takes a couple of minutes. I don’t really like milk, so I only put some maple syrup on it. Oatmeal is supposed to be good for lowering cholesterol and it also counts as roughage, so I’ve done two good things as the day begins.
Continuing in the single food category, I cook brown rice at school. Brown rice take a while for some reason, so this may be the extent of my culinary skills. Five minutes on high, forty-five on medium, and I have a very filling lunch which can be topped with a little salt or a little sugar. That’s right. Nothing else on the rice; no milk, no spices, no nothing.
The rice is another serving or two of roughage, and the argument I offer for rice everyday for lunch is: 3 billion people who eat rice for every meal can’t be too wrong. Here’s the really strange part of the breakfast and lunch scenario. I’ve gotten used to eating this every day, as in I’ve been eating oatmeal and rice everyday for three or four years now. I ought to do a commercial.
Some people make fun of the fact I eat the same thing every breakfast and lunch. But the good news about rice for lunch is it seems to keep me more awake in the afternoon, where I used to fade before I started the routine.
The only problem with being so regular is that the habit sometimes overtakes the logic of what goes into such a simple meal. The following problem happened not just once, but twice. I thought it happened again the other day, but someone else was responsible that time.
Here’s what happened.
Rice is simple. Shake in the hundreds of grains, fill up with water, maybe add some salt and start cooking. But remember, brown rice cooks for 50 minutes; forty-five minutes at medium after five minutes on high.
The only time I really have problems with this simple recipe is when I get distracted. Usually, I am talking with someone else, or I have something else on my mind. So I’m trying to do two things at once, and since I don’t want to be rude, somewhere in the conversation I forget one of the steps. There really is no excuse, but at least twice I have tried to cook rice without any water.
If you have never been blessed to smell rice cooked without water for fifty minutes, I can give you a few details to help you understand the smell. Think about toast burned completely through, with some hints of coffee. I don’t think there was smoke, but everyone on that side of the building was sure there was a fire somewhere, but they just couldn’t figure out where.
It’s the worst inside the microwave. I’m just glad it didn’t start on fire. I could see the fire department pulling out my plastic bowl of smoking rice and trying to identify who was the idiot who decided to fry rice in the microwave.
Needless to say, the first time I burned the rice there was a general uproar about the fire which was burning somewhere in the building. Imagine my surprise when I opened the microwave and saw a pile of dark brown burned something. I wasn’t smart enough to keep quiet about it, so everyone made fun of the fact I couldn’t even cook plain rice.
They really enjoyed teasing me the second time I burned the rice. Now I am paranoid. Sometimes I go back and double-check to make sure the bowl has rice and water. A couple of weeks ago I smelled what I thought was burning rice and rushed to the microwave. I had remembered to add water, and breathed a sigh of relief.
Someone somewhere was burning toast. That’s okay.
As long as I didn’t get blamed for it.
Listen to this blog by clicking the button below:
Monday, November 30, 2009
I Am Grateful
I am grateful for the abundance in my life and will celebrate those good things in my life and hope to never forget to honor this abundance.
I am grateful for God, the Creator, the source, the all-knowing, all-loving, and will obey those teachings of truth I encounter and never deny the goodness in this universe.
I am grateful for my blessings and will strive to remember them and be thankful.
I am grateful for life and the thousands of experiences, relationships and opportunities it offers me.
I am grateful for joy and seek to live so as to experience joy.
I am grateful for work which develops my talents, helps me express my creativity and makes me use my physical body.
I am grateful for employment and the means it gives me to support myself and my family.
I am grateful for my wife and partner and will try harder to show my love for her.
I am grateful for my extended family - mom, dad, sisters, grandkids, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grand-parents and others who bless my life like family and I will honor them in all I do.
I am grateful for friends and will strive to be a better friend.
I am grateful for my children and will strive to be a better parent.
I am grateful for my citizenship and dedicate myself to improving my country.
I am grateful for an ability to teach and will use this gift to bless the lives of others.
I am grateful for my gender and the opportunities and advantages it gives me and will continue to help women gain greater benefits in this world.
I am grateful for my health and the ability it gives me to function and will work to keep myself healthy.
I am grateful for honesty and will honor the opportunities to be honest and celebrate those who are honest.
I am grateful for the years I have been blessed to live and will continue to seek wisdom and not just longevity.
I am grateful for government and the order it gives to my life and will devote my time to preserving the honorable efforts of my government.
I am grateful for an ability to act, to sing, to dance and perform and will use these talents to benefit others and not just gratify myself.
I am grateful for the opportunity to hear and be heard, and will strive for all voices to be heard.
I am grateful for happiness and will encourage others to be happy.
I am grateful for productivity, both my own and of others, and will honor the work we do.
I am grateful for leisure time and will use it to become a better me.
I am grateful for disposable income and will use it to bless others and myself.
I am grateful for belief and the comfort it gives me and will share my beliefs with others.
I am grateful for to drive and have the freedom to drive where I wish and will use this privilege wisely.
I am grateful for creativity and will strive to create for the benefit of all.
I am grateful for society and the interactions we have with one another and will acknowledge the humanity of every person I meet.
I am grateful for my race and the advantages it gives me and will work to give opportunity to those of
other races who may suffer from my advantage.
I am grateful for organizations which bless me and will support their efforts.
I am grateful for Christ and his sacrifice for me and will strive to be like him in all I do.
I am grateful for the freedom to speak without repercussion and will defend all those who wish to speak their own truths.
I am grateful for physical activity and will focus on keeping my body and mind strong.
I am grateful for humor and will help others to find the humor in life.
You can also listen to this blog read by the author, Dane Allred, by clicking the bar below.
I am grateful for God, the Creator, the source, the all-knowing, all-loving, and will obey those teachings of truth I encounter and never deny the goodness in this universe.
I am grateful for my blessings and will strive to remember them and be thankful.
I am grateful for life and the thousands of experiences, relationships and opportunities it offers me.
I am grateful for joy and seek to live so as to experience joy.
I am grateful for work which develops my talents, helps me express my creativity and makes me use my physical body.
I am grateful for employment and the means it gives me to support myself and my family.
I am grateful for my wife and partner and will try harder to show my love for her.
I am grateful for my extended family - mom, dad, sisters, grandkids, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grand-parents and others who bless my life like family and I will honor them in all I do.
I am grateful for friends and will strive to be a better friend.
I am grateful for my children and will strive to be a better parent.
I am grateful for my citizenship and dedicate myself to improving my country.
I am grateful for an ability to teach and will use this gift to bless the lives of others.
I am grateful for my gender and the opportunities and advantages it gives me and will continue to help women gain greater benefits in this world.
I am grateful for my health and the ability it gives me to function and will work to keep myself healthy.
I am grateful for honesty and will honor the opportunities to be honest and celebrate those who are honest.
I am grateful for the years I have been blessed to live and will continue to seek wisdom and not just longevity.
I am grateful for government and the order it gives to my life and will devote my time to preserving the honorable efforts of my government.
I am grateful for an ability to act, to sing, to dance and perform and will use these talents to benefit others and not just gratify myself.
I am grateful for the opportunity to hear and be heard, and will strive for all voices to be heard.
I am grateful for happiness and will encourage others to be happy.
I am grateful for productivity, both my own and of others, and will honor the work we do.
I am grateful for leisure time and will use it to become a better me.
I am grateful for disposable income and will use it to bless others and myself.
I am grateful for belief and the comfort it gives me and will share my beliefs with others.
I am grateful for to drive and have the freedom to drive where I wish and will use this privilege wisely.
I am grateful for creativity and will strive to create for the benefit of all.
I am grateful for society and the interactions we have with one another and will acknowledge the humanity of every person I meet.
I am grateful for my race and the advantages it gives me and will work to give opportunity to those of
other races who may suffer from my advantage.
I am grateful for organizations which bless me and will support their efforts.
I am grateful for Christ and his sacrifice for me and will strive to be like him in all I do.
I am grateful for the freedom to speak without repercussion and will defend all those who wish to speak their own truths.
I am grateful for physical activity and will focus on keeping my body and mind strong.
I am grateful for humor and will help others to find the humor in life.
You can also listen to this blog read by the author, Dane Allred, by clicking the bar below.
Dents in the Van
Dents in the Van
I used to deliver flowers. It was a great job for someone who needed some extra money but can’t work all day. After school I would run by the flower shop to pick up the deliveries, and after thinking about the best route, I would be paid to drive around the city, listen to the radio and have happy people greet me when I showed up with flowers.
It really is a cool thing to have people thank you for doing your job. It’s like I sent them the flowers, and everyone is so excited when they get them. It’s not like I paid for them – I’m just the messenger. I guess the saying about don’t shoot the messenger also works in reverse. Why do they thank the messenger?
In this state, people really don’t tip well. I don’t know why we are so cheap, but this is a complaint I often hear from those who are paid poorly, using the excuse of tips to pay someone way below minimum wage. Waiters, waitresses, or do you call them waitpersons, delivery people like the pizza man, and yes, the flower delivery person are usually short-changed around here. I delivered thousands of beautiful bouquets, and I got tipped once. What was the grand tip? A quarter.
I understand being parsimonious, but a quarter? It was really an insult, and the contradiction here is I think I would rather have not received a tip. I often feel this way about being paid poorly; sometimes I would rather be volunteering my time than receiving a ridiculously low payment for something. Again, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, but that’s the way I feel.
The scariest delivery ever was at a really nice house. This may have been where I got the quarter. I was a little distracted though, since the owners had a Doberman pincer. This dog was very interested in protecting the property, but I usually get along well with dogs. I can proudly say I have never been bit by a strange dog – just my own pets. This dog barked fiercely as I approached the door, and as I rang the doorbell, the Doberman began trying to bit my leg. Two things saved me here; I was wearing incredibly tight jeans, and the dog was trying to bite my thigh. Luckily his teeth just kept slipping off the tight denim, and the owner answered before blood was drawn.
I liked delivering flowers so much during my high school years that I applied for the same job when I went to college. Again it really worked well with my schedule. The only problem with this job is the little old lady who owned the flower shop also liked her grandkids to help out. So when I get the job of washing and vacuuming out the van, guess who gets to come along and help?
The twelve-year old grandson thought it would be great to help clean the van, but I wasn’t very excited to be baby-sitting. There really wasn’t anything he could do to help, which gave him a little time to hatch a plan. While he watched me wash the outside, he decided it would be a really good idea to let him pull the van up to the vacuums.
When I finished the wash, I opened the door and saw him sitting in the driver’s seat. He begged me to let him pull the van up to the vacuums. So here’s the choice; I tell him no, and he complains to his grandma, or I let him drive 15 feet and make him ecstatic.
I should have remembered something that happened to me when I was a junior in high school. At a summer workshop, I ran out of gas, and had my girlfriend drive the car as we pushed the truck up to the pumps. We were going pretty fast when we got to the station, and she was pulling on the wrong side of the pump. So as I gave her directions, she ended up plowing right into the gas pump. We were lucky there wasn’t a giant fire – it just knocked the pump off the foundation. Whose insurance jumped the next quarter, even though he wasn’t driving at the time of the accident? You guessed it.
But I guess I chose to forget this earlier lesson, and I let him drive up to the vacuums. Don’t ask me how he did it, but he pulled too close to the vacuums, which were on the passenger side. He didn’t slow down, and he didn’t stop when the crunching started.
One giant gash in the side door later, I had another choice.
I told the old lady I did it.
The kid never blinked an eyelash.
You can also listen to this blog by clicking on the bar below!!
I used to deliver flowers. It was a great job for someone who needed some extra money but can’t work all day. After school I would run by the flower shop to pick up the deliveries, and after thinking about the best route, I would be paid to drive around the city, listen to the radio and have happy people greet me when I showed up with flowers.
It really is a cool thing to have people thank you for doing your job. It’s like I sent them the flowers, and everyone is so excited when they get them. It’s not like I paid for them – I’m just the messenger. I guess the saying about don’t shoot the messenger also works in reverse. Why do they thank the messenger?
In this state, people really don’t tip well. I don’t know why we are so cheap, but this is a complaint I often hear from those who are paid poorly, using the excuse of tips to pay someone way below minimum wage. Waiters, waitresses, or do you call them waitpersons, delivery people like the pizza man, and yes, the flower delivery person are usually short-changed around here. I delivered thousands of beautiful bouquets, and I got tipped once. What was the grand tip? A quarter.
I understand being parsimonious, but a quarter? It was really an insult, and the contradiction here is I think I would rather have not received a tip. I often feel this way about being paid poorly; sometimes I would rather be volunteering my time than receiving a ridiculously low payment for something. Again, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, but that’s the way I feel.
The scariest delivery ever was at a really nice house. This may have been where I got the quarter. I was a little distracted though, since the owners had a Doberman pincer. This dog was very interested in protecting the property, but I usually get along well with dogs. I can proudly say I have never been bit by a strange dog – just my own pets. This dog barked fiercely as I approached the door, and as I rang the doorbell, the Doberman began trying to bit my leg. Two things saved me here; I was wearing incredibly tight jeans, and the dog was trying to bite my thigh. Luckily his teeth just kept slipping off the tight denim, and the owner answered before blood was drawn.
I liked delivering flowers so much during my high school years that I applied for the same job when I went to college. Again it really worked well with my schedule. The only problem with this job is the little old lady who owned the flower shop also liked her grandkids to help out. So when I get the job of washing and vacuuming out the van, guess who gets to come along and help?
The twelve-year old grandson thought it would be great to help clean the van, but I wasn’t very excited to be baby-sitting. There really wasn’t anything he could do to help, which gave him a little time to hatch a plan. While he watched me wash the outside, he decided it would be a really good idea to let him pull the van up to the vacuums.
When I finished the wash, I opened the door and saw him sitting in the driver’s seat. He begged me to let him pull the van up to the vacuums. So here’s the choice; I tell him no, and he complains to his grandma, or I let him drive 15 feet and make him ecstatic.
I should have remembered something that happened to me when I was a junior in high school. At a summer workshop, I ran out of gas, and had my girlfriend drive the car as we pushed the truck up to the pumps. We were going pretty fast when we got to the station, and she was pulling on the wrong side of the pump. So as I gave her directions, she ended up plowing right into the gas pump. We were lucky there wasn’t a giant fire – it just knocked the pump off the foundation. Whose insurance jumped the next quarter, even though he wasn’t driving at the time of the accident? You guessed it.
But I guess I chose to forget this earlier lesson, and I let him drive up to the vacuums. Don’t ask me how he did it, but he pulled too close to the vacuums, which were on the passenger side. He didn’t slow down, and he didn’t stop when the crunching started.
One giant gash in the side door later, I had another choice.
I told the old lady I did it.
The kid never blinked an eyelash.
You can also listen to this blog by clicking on the bar below!!
Craft Services
Craft Services
I’ve acted in over 30 commercial and about 20 films. Most of the parts aren’t huge, so I get to spend a lot of time at craft services. If you watch you’ll see craft services listed as the credit roll in most movies, and I want to tell you how important a part they play. It has to do with the long hours shooting commercials or movies, and the tendency of actors to wander.
Let’s talk about the hours. A regular contract day is twelve hours. This means you work for about five or six hours before eating lunch, and dinner is usually about four hours later. If you end up working longer than twelve hours, then everyone starts getting overtime pay, which is time and a half.
The longest shooting day I’ve ever done was 18 hours. We showed up for a combined episode of “Touched by an Angel” and “Promised Land”. This means all of the stars have to be filmed and released earliest since they get twelve hours before they can be called to the set again. So after I showed up and got my cop costume, my fake ID badge and had my face powdered and hair approved, I sat with the other extras for twelve hours.
That’s right. We were ready, but they weren’t ready for us, and we are the least well paid actors on the set. I had lunch and dinner before shooting one scene. Since I had shown up at eight a.m., I started getting overtime at eight p.m. I finally finished my last scene at two in the morning, and the worst news of all is I don’t think any of the scenes I was in was used. It doesn’t matter; I still got paid.
But more important, I got to spend most of the day at the craft services table. As actors, we aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, and we tend to think of ourselves as the most important person on the set. So when we get hungry or thirsty, we start to wander, looking for something to eat or drink. We may wander off just because we are bored.
Enter craft services. Think of all the different kinds of food you may want to snack on. Add a variety of delicious drinks. The best part? Everything at craft services is FREE! That’s right. Lunch and dinner are free, too, but here is a collection of incredibly delicious snacks and you can have as much as you want of anything. Don’t tell the directors, but I would act in some parts just for the craft services.
Sometimes the people who are providing the craft services get a little creative. They try to serve healthy foods. I don’t like that as well. When a free chocolate donut is staring me in the face, who wants some hummus? But don’t get me wrong. I haven’t preserved my girlish figure by passing up free food. If all there is available is hummus, I’ll be eating all the free hummus I can get.
Now let me tell you about the best food I have ever had on a movie set. Henry Winkler and Ricky Schroeder were starring in a movie being shot at the old Jordan High School. I was playing the vice-principal, and again, I don’t think my scenes got used. Again, it’s okay. I still got paid.
But the best news is we were in the final days of shooting. When a film is done it’s called “a wrap”, and the food on the day a film is wrapped is amazing. Here are actors who have been working together for weeks on a film, and as it ends, a real celebration is necessary. The bad news is extras eat last. The crew eats first, so they can be back at the camera first. The stars eat next, so they can be ready for their close-ups. Extras are last, but on this very important wrap day, I had heard a rumor about what was being served. Again, this is free food, because no one wants actors wandering off to Wendy’s.
When lunch was called, I made sure I was at the front of the end of the line. That is, I was the first extra in line. We were being served the largest lobster tails I have ever seen. I can still taste how delicious it was. It may surprise you to hear that the caterers at these events are very, very good. I always look forward to the food at lunch, and if we are lucky, dinner.
Surprisingly, after getting used to the free food available at craft services and from the caterers, I have started to cut back.
After all, there are fewer parts available for hefty actors.
I’ve acted in over 30 commercial and about 20 films. Most of the parts aren’t huge, so I get to spend a lot of time at craft services. If you watch you’ll see craft services listed as the credit roll in most movies, and I want to tell you how important a part they play. It has to do with the long hours shooting commercials or movies, and the tendency of actors to wander.
Let’s talk about the hours. A regular contract day is twelve hours. This means you work for about five or six hours before eating lunch, and dinner is usually about four hours later. If you end up working longer than twelve hours, then everyone starts getting overtime pay, which is time and a half.
The longest shooting day I’ve ever done was 18 hours. We showed up for a combined episode of “Touched by an Angel” and “Promised Land”. This means all of the stars have to be filmed and released earliest since they get twelve hours before they can be called to the set again. So after I showed up and got my cop costume, my fake ID badge and had my face powdered and hair approved, I sat with the other extras for twelve hours.
That’s right. We were ready, but they weren’t ready for us, and we are the least well paid actors on the set. I had lunch and dinner before shooting one scene. Since I had shown up at eight a.m., I started getting overtime at eight p.m. I finally finished my last scene at two in the morning, and the worst news of all is I don’t think any of the scenes I was in was used. It doesn’t matter; I still got paid.
But more important, I got to spend most of the day at the craft services table. As actors, we aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, and we tend to think of ourselves as the most important person on the set. So when we get hungry or thirsty, we start to wander, looking for something to eat or drink. We may wander off just because we are bored.
Enter craft services. Think of all the different kinds of food you may want to snack on. Add a variety of delicious drinks. The best part? Everything at craft services is FREE! That’s right. Lunch and dinner are free, too, but here is a collection of incredibly delicious snacks and you can have as much as you want of anything. Don’t tell the directors, but I would act in some parts just for the craft services.
Sometimes the people who are providing the craft services get a little creative. They try to serve healthy foods. I don’t like that as well. When a free chocolate donut is staring me in the face, who wants some hummus? But don’t get me wrong. I haven’t preserved my girlish figure by passing up free food. If all there is available is hummus, I’ll be eating all the free hummus I can get.
Now let me tell you about the best food I have ever had on a movie set. Henry Winkler and Ricky Schroeder were starring in a movie being shot at the old Jordan High School. I was playing the vice-principal, and again, I don’t think my scenes got used. Again, it’s okay. I still got paid.
But the best news is we were in the final days of shooting. When a film is done it’s called “a wrap”, and the food on the day a film is wrapped is amazing. Here are actors who have been working together for weeks on a film, and as it ends, a real celebration is necessary. The bad news is extras eat last. The crew eats first, so they can be back at the camera first. The stars eat next, so they can be ready for their close-ups. Extras are last, but on this very important wrap day, I had heard a rumor about what was being served. Again, this is free food, because no one wants actors wandering off to Wendy’s.
When lunch was called, I made sure I was at the front of the end of the line. That is, I was the first extra in line. We were being served the largest lobster tails I have ever seen. I can still taste how delicious it was. It may surprise you to hear that the caterers at these events are very, very good. I always look forward to the food at lunch, and if we are lucky, dinner.
Surprisingly, after getting used to the free food available at craft services and from the caterers, I have started to cut back.
After all, there are fewer parts available for hefty actors.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Evil Banker Audition
I have a commercial running on television right now, and I have been in several local and national commercials. It sounds like it would be a glamorous thing to do, but being an actor is anything but glamorous. The pay is poor, the hours are terrible, and usually it really doesn’t matter if you have any talent.
Since I act in a “right to work” state, minimum wage is usually the standard for acting work. Actually, you can end up getting paid less than minimum if you agree to the terms, and sometimes I have taken terrible pay for the chance to do some work. Here’s an example. I was asked to be the teacher for an ITT technical college ad about 15 years ago. Apparently the director and the cinematographer were from Cuba, and were a father and son combination. The dad didn’t speak any English, and my one line was “Now I want you to evaluate the network”, or something like that. I heard later that most of the film shot that day was useless, and the ad agency ended up using whatever wasn’t horrible. I worked about 12 hours that day and earned one hundred dollars. That’s a bit more than minimum wage, but this was a commercial which ran nationwide for at least a couple of years.
Again, since we do things differently here, I didn’t receive residuals no matter how many times they used it. They could still use it today. This is called a buyout. You get one payment and never see another cent.
Sometimes the contract is negotiated a little better. But no one I know in our state makes a living working as an actor in television, film or commercials. But again, this is one of the reasons people like to shoot here. We have very good quality here. So we are inexpensive – but not cheap.
I’ve played a Jerry Springer look-alike in a weight-loss commercial which was shot here and shown in Bakersfield, California. I went to Elko one day and shot a gambling commercial which is only shown there. The best I’ve ever been paid was to be one of the telegraph pole sitters in an MTI commercial which was only shown in three cities, and at the stockholders meeting. Go figure.
You really don’t need talent to do most of this work. I don’t get everything I audition for, and that’s okay. I still go audition, and sometimes I get the part. I’ve tried to sell Kevin Eubank a white jacket, and been the boss wearing a cheese hat in a diamond commercial. I’ll talk about the strange hours in another episode. Don’t get me started now.
But the strangest audition I ever did was for a part I call “evil banker”. Since most agencies are an hour away, I drive up, audition and drive back. Sometimes I only say a sentence or two. But for this part all I had to do was make a motion like I was directing a crane to put a big sign on a wall. So delving into my vast crane direction experience, I moved my hands up and down, and maybe a little sideways.
I got the part, and I was excited. I must have been brilliant. But the real news is this commercial was shot for the state credit unions. The point of the commercial was that banks go in and out of business while the credit union stays put. So my part was to direct the changing signs while the credit union guy shook his head at all the change.
I was even more deflated when I learned there would be no close-ups. Think of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard, where she says, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mille.” It’s an actor’s favorite part, since everyone and anyone will be able to recognize them. The camera would be set up down the street on a scaffold, and only get long shots of the credit union guy and me. The changing signs were the most important part of the ad.
To add insult to injury, I was taking a day off work to do the commercial and only being paid one hundred dollars, so I was probably losing money. To help save money, actors are sometimes asked to bring their own clothes for costumes. Think about it. They fit, and if I bring four or five different things for the costume person to choose, they don’t have to buy clothes.
So let’s summarize this commercial. I didn’t speak; I got the part because I gestured well; I lost money and I wouldn’t be seen. Even when I told people I was the guy in the commercial, they looked at with skepticism.
Who says acting isn’t glamorous?
Dane Allred's podcast of this blog from his program "Abundance".
I have a commercial running on television right now, and I have been in several local and national commercials. It sounds like it would be a glamorous thing to do, but being an actor is anything but glamorous. The pay is poor, the hours are terrible, and usually it really doesn’t matter if you have any talent.
Since I act in a “right to work” state, minimum wage is usually the standard for acting work. Actually, you can end up getting paid less than minimum if you agree to the terms, and sometimes I have taken terrible pay for the chance to do some work. Here’s an example. I was asked to be the teacher for an ITT technical college ad about 15 years ago. Apparently the director and the cinematographer were from Cuba, and were a father and son combination. The dad didn’t speak any English, and my one line was “Now I want you to evaluate the network”, or something like that. I heard later that most of the film shot that day was useless, and the ad agency ended up using whatever wasn’t horrible. I worked about 12 hours that day and earned one hundred dollars. That’s a bit more than minimum wage, but this was a commercial which ran nationwide for at least a couple of years.
Again, since we do things differently here, I didn’t receive residuals no matter how many times they used it. They could still use it today. This is called a buyout. You get one payment and never see another cent.
Sometimes the contract is negotiated a little better. But no one I know in our state makes a living working as an actor in television, film or commercials. But again, this is one of the reasons people like to shoot here. We have very good quality here. So we are inexpensive – but not cheap.
I’ve played a Jerry Springer look-alike in a weight-loss commercial which was shot here and shown in Bakersfield, California. I went to Elko one day and shot a gambling commercial which is only shown there. The best I’ve ever been paid was to be one of the telegraph pole sitters in an MTI commercial which was only shown in three cities, and at the stockholders meeting. Go figure.
You really don’t need talent to do most of this work. I don’t get everything I audition for, and that’s okay. I still go audition, and sometimes I get the part. I’ve tried to sell Kevin Eubank a white jacket, and been the boss wearing a cheese hat in a diamond commercial. I’ll talk about the strange hours in another episode. Don’t get me started now.
But the strangest audition I ever did was for a part I call “evil banker”. Since most agencies are an hour away, I drive up, audition and drive back. Sometimes I only say a sentence or two. But for this part all I had to do was make a motion like I was directing a crane to put a big sign on a wall. So delving into my vast crane direction experience, I moved my hands up and down, and maybe a little sideways.
I got the part, and I was excited. I must have been brilliant. But the real news is this commercial was shot for the state credit unions. The point of the commercial was that banks go in and out of business while the credit union stays put. So my part was to direct the changing signs while the credit union guy shook his head at all the change.
I was even more deflated when I learned there would be no close-ups. Think of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard, where she says, “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mille.” It’s an actor’s favorite part, since everyone and anyone will be able to recognize them. The camera would be set up down the street on a scaffold, and only get long shots of the credit union guy and me. The changing signs were the most important part of the ad.
To add insult to injury, I was taking a day off work to do the commercial and only being paid one hundred dollars, so I was probably losing money. To help save money, actors are sometimes asked to bring their own clothes for costumes. Think about it. They fit, and if I bring four or five different things for the costume person to choose, they don’t have to buy clothes.
So let’s summarize this commercial. I didn’t speak; I got the part because I gestured well; I lost money and I wouldn’t be seen. Even when I told people I was the guy in the commercial, they looked at with skepticism.
Who says acting isn’t glamorous?
Dane Allred's podcast of this blog from his program "Abundance".
Jerry Springer Hair
Jerry Springer Hair
I like acting in cheesy commercials. There seems to be a demand for this kind of acting here. One time I was cast in a commercial because the back of my head looked like Jerry Springer’s. It’s not very exciting to know you have been cast because the hair on the back of your head looks like someone elses’s. I don’t even know what the hair on the back of my head looks like. It could be a mess.
So this is another bargain basement commercial and I’m getting one hundred dollars since I don’t have any lines. I have taken another day off work, so basically, I’m probably not making any money. But shooting a commercial can be fun, so I take my chances and show up as Jerry Springer’s hair.
This was a weight loss commercial where two huge women are fighting over a skinny man. I will never understand what all that means, but that’s what the client wanted. There was the typical Jerry crowd, boisterous and ill-mannered. The set looked great, and guess what happened when I showed up?
I was given some lines. Now this may sound like something to be excited about, but I have been hired not to say lines. It’s not that I don’t want lines, but when an actor speaks, the pay is supposed to go up. Like four times as much.
So here’s what I think happened. They didn’t want to spend a lot on the commercial, so the bait and switch is to get me there thinking I won’t have to learn lines, and then tell me when I show up to start studying.
Trying to make the best of a bad situation, I start memorizing the few lines I’ve been given.
The commercial was really convincing. If I was an overweight woman fighting another overweight woman over a skinny guy, I would take the product. They even had a “Jerry Cam” shot where the two women fought on the floor while the camera shot the scene from above. The crowd was great, but I stunk.
No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get the few words out in the correct order. I think it may have been a mental block. After all, how could I give a great performance on poor pay? The only good news from the day is the shooting didn’t take a full 12 hours, but I still got paid for twelve. I even had enough time that afternoon to go complain to my agent. They know the rules and they were upset, or excited to get a bigger commission. Nothing ever happened.
This brings me to why I like to be positive about stuff like this. Sure I’m complaining, but I wasn’t really upset since I know these things tend to work out in the wash. I could spend time worrying about the money I missed, or go on a be positive about the next chance I get to act. It really does work for me, since there have been some really lucrative parts mixed in with the small change.
It reminds me of the time I was a marketing director for a private company. I helped write copy and coordinated printing, which my boss could have done without me. But since he wanted to work on other stuff, I did a great job if I do say so myself. We made a grundle of money, and I was set to get a bonus. I was excited, and wondered what it would be like to get a bonus. As a school teacher I never got a bonus.
The company had made hundreds of thousands of dollars, and my boss made a good profit for himself on another project. I got a $1000 bonus.
I was furious and quit the next week. Looking back, it seems like a strange thing to do since I am a school teacher again, I don’t get bonuses. I never will get more than a ham or turkey at the end of the year.
So what did my temper tantrum accomplish? Who knows? I might have made much more money later, but it really doesn’t matter. It made me understand sometimes it’s not about the money, and throwing a tantrum didn’t help.
So when I get cheated now, I try to keep a good perspective on the outcome. I know there will be other times I’ll be ahead. So when I take a deep breath and get on with life, I know being positive is helping me balance out the highs and lows in life.
It seems kind of silly now. I was showing up to play Jerry Springer’s hair, and I got to say some lines!
Asking an actor to perform – what a terrible thing!
Dane Allred's podcast of this blog from his program "Abundance".
I like acting in cheesy commercials. There seems to be a demand for this kind of acting here. One time I was cast in a commercial because the back of my head looked like Jerry Springer’s. It’s not very exciting to know you have been cast because the hair on the back of your head looks like someone elses’s. I don’t even know what the hair on the back of my head looks like. It could be a mess.
So this is another bargain basement commercial and I’m getting one hundred dollars since I don’t have any lines. I have taken another day off work, so basically, I’m probably not making any money. But shooting a commercial can be fun, so I take my chances and show up as Jerry Springer’s hair.
This was a weight loss commercial where two huge women are fighting over a skinny man. I will never understand what all that means, but that’s what the client wanted. There was the typical Jerry crowd, boisterous and ill-mannered. The set looked great, and guess what happened when I showed up?
I was given some lines. Now this may sound like something to be excited about, but I have been hired not to say lines. It’s not that I don’t want lines, but when an actor speaks, the pay is supposed to go up. Like four times as much.
So here’s what I think happened. They didn’t want to spend a lot on the commercial, so the bait and switch is to get me there thinking I won’t have to learn lines, and then tell me when I show up to start studying.
Trying to make the best of a bad situation, I start memorizing the few lines I’ve been given.
The commercial was really convincing. If I was an overweight woman fighting another overweight woman over a skinny guy, I would take the product. They even had a “Jerry Cam” shot where the two women fought on the floor while the camera shot the scene from above. The crowd was great, but I stunk.
No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get the few words out in the correct order. I think it may have been a mental block. After all, how could I give a great performance on poor pay? The only good news from the day is the shooting didn’t take a full 12 hours, but I still got paid for twelve. I even had enough time that afternoon to go complain to my agent. They know the rules and they were upset, or excited to get a bigger commission. Nothing ever happened.
This brings me to why I like to be positive about stuff like this. Sure I’m complaining, but I wasn’t really upset since I know these things tend to work out in the wash. I could spend time worrying about the money I missed, or go on a be positive about the next chance I get to act. It really does work for me, since there have been some really lucrative parts mixed in with the small change.
It reminds me of the time I was a marketing director for a private company. I helped write copy and coordinated printing, which my boss could have done without me. But since he wanted to work on other stuff, I did a great job if I do say so myself. We made a grundle of money, and I was set to get a bonus. I was excited, and wondered what it would be like to get a bonus. As a school teacher I never got a bonus.
The company had made hundreds of thousands of dollars, and my boss made a good profit for himself on another project. I got a $1000 bonus.
I was furious and quit the next week. Looking back, it seems like a strange thing to do since I am a school teacher again, I don’t get bonuses. I never will get more than a ham or turkey at the end of the year.
So what did my temper tantrum accomplish? Who knows? I might have made much more money later, but it really doesn’t matter. It made me understand sometimes it’s not about the money, and throwing a tantrum didn’t help.
So when I get cheated now, I try to keep a good perspective on the outcome. I know there will be other times I’ll be ahead. So when I take a deep breath and get on with life, I know being positive is helping me balance out the highs and lows in life.
It seems kind of silly now. I was showing up to play Jerry Springer’s hair, and I got to say some lines!
Asking an actor to perform – what a terrible thing!
Dane Allred's podcast of this blog from his program "Abundance".
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