Spare Change

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred

Spare Change

I have a different sense of humor. Sometimes it takes a while for people to understand just what I am saying, and realize I’m joking. Teaching high school means some students come to school not feeling their best. Either mom or dad or both work, and they can’t stay home. Sometimes their folks make them go to school even when they are sick. So I get to deal with some unhappy kids at times.

It’s not hard to see who is suffering. They are not their usual selves, and when I go up and ask them how they are feeling, they usually try to put on a smile and say they are okay. If they are really feeling sick, they sometimes admit it and say something like, “I don’t feel good.” To try to lighten up the moment, I will usually put my hand on their shoulder and tell them, “You feel all right to me.”

So it does take a minute for them to think about it; remember, they are feeling sick. So when they finally get it, I usually get a smile from them. They look at me and sometimes shake their heads; remember, Dad humor is really not funny, it’s mostly stupid. But it is stupid enough to make you laugh.

I sometimes take it a little far. I really should only use this kind of humor with people I know. But most of you know by now if you’ve been paying attention that I really don’t pay attention all that well. The first time I tried my smart-aleck Dad humor on a total stranger was in Washington, D.C. as my wife and I were walking on the street.

I really don’t like it when people on the street beg from me. I know there are programs and places available to everyone who is willing to try to get help.
So with my bad sense of humor and my general lack of common sense, the following scenario probably was unavoidable.

We were walking along and there were several people begging on the street. After saying no a few times, one guy we passed leaned out and pointed his cup at me. He said, “Spare change?”

My mind works pretty fast, and my wife often has to point out most people have a hard time keeping up sometimes. So when I looked at him and said, “No thanks, I have some.”

He looked at me with a kind of dumbfounded stare for a minute and processed what I had just said. We kept walking, and from behind me I heard him laugh a bit and say, “No, I want your change.” But we were already too far away, and I just sort of chuckled.

My wife was furious, and told me to “knock it off”. She was worried I might have made him angry, and didn’t want a confrontation. She’s usually right. I’m just not smart enough to keep my mouth shut sometimes. But when someone offers a great opening like that, my brain goes on automatic and my mouth starts talking without thinking first.

My daughter was in the car with us recently and we saw a guy begging at WalMart. She’s worked in homeless shelters and knows the programs available to the needy. She started rattling off the different things someone who really needed help
could do, and started talking about how angry it made her when people begged. I asked her if she wanted me to roll down the window and let him know. Before she could answer I said I didn’t think that was the kind of help he was looking for.

One of my former students was an aide to Senator Orrin Hatch. She has a great story about people begging from when she was back in Washington, D.C. She and her husband are successful lawyers now and actually named a son after me. Back in D.C. she used to give some of her lunch money to this same beggar every day. Then one day she was at a hot dog stand, and there was this same guy paying for his lunch with a wad of bills she described as almost too big to hold in his hand.

She was indignant, and Regina was not one to hold her tongue. She was an award-winning debate and public speaker, so she spoke right up and demanded her money back.

He turned to her, probably recognized her and simply said, “I fooled you, didn’t I?” This story only confirmed what I had always thought. There must be some good money in begging if you don’t care about the hit your self-esteem takes.
Last spring I did it again, and I even had two witnesses.
Try it. Just remember.

“Spare change?”

“No thanks, got some.”


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