Click on the player for an audio version of this piece.
Leo
Character Central, this is Leo speakin’. Who you lookin’ for?
Dane
Could I speak to W.C. Fields please?
Leo
Just a minute. W.C.?
Forrest
You need to go to the bathroom?
Leo
No, not the water closet, you moron. Go get W.C. Fields.
Forrest
Okay Lieutenant Dan.
Leo
Stop calling me Lieutenant Dan! Just go get the old drunk.
Forrest
Yes sir, drill sergeant sir!
Leo
That nut is goin’ drive me crazy. Can I tell Mr. Fields whom is calling?
Dane
Yes, I’m Dane Allred calling for Abundance.
Leo
Abundance? You ain’t gonna get no abundance here, pally.
Dane
No, the program is called Abundance.
Leo
Oh yeah, that crazy guy who goes on and on about all the good t’ings in life.
Dane
Yes, that’s me, Dane Allred.
Leo
Well, I got your Abundance right here! Who is dis being billed to?
Dane
Can you use the same card as last time?
Leo
Let me look. Abundance, abundance, use Bill Gates lost credit card?
Dane
That would be fine.
Leo
Gotcha. Here’s W.C. Fields. But don’t talk too long cause I ain’t gonna stand here and prop him up. He’s pretty wobbly today.
Dane
Okay.
Leo
And thank you for using Character Central, your source for the formerly famous. Here’s the phone, you old booze-hound.
W.C.
Thank you my good man. It’s not a fit night out for man nor beast.
Dane
Is this W.C. Fields?
W.C.
Speaking. And how can I help you my good man?
Dane
Well, today on Abundance we are talking about organization. Do you have any organizational tips for my audience?
W.C.
Ornamentation? I’m in favor of it.
Dane
No, organization.
W.C.
Oh, organization. That reminds me, a woman drove me to drink and I never even had the decency to thank her.
Dane
So you’re suggesting making a list of people to thank? Any other suggestions?
W.C.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes. Excuse me for a moment, I must have a drink of breakfast.
Dane
You don’t drink water at all?
W.C.
I never drink water. I’m afraid it may become habit-forming.
Dane
Well, speaking of habits, do you foresee a time you will ever stop drinking alcohol?
W.C.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Dane
You have quit drinking before. Was there an organized program?
W.C.
Yes. Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Dane
Any other times you’ve quit?
W.C.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Dane
Do you have any other preferences you’d like to share with us?
W.C.
On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.
Dane
You don’t like living there at Character Central?
W.C.
No. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
Dane
But, really, Philadelphia. I’ve never heard you speak well of that town.
W.C.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia. I think it was a Sunday.
Dane
Seriously?
W.C.
Oh, yes. Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
Dane
So, Mr. Fields, any other advice for our listeners about trying to get organized?
W.C.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
Dane
Well, that is sound advice. Thank you W.C. Fields for speaking with us today on Abundance.
W.C.
I thought we were talking about ornamentation.
Dane
No, we’re focusing on organization on the program called Abundance. I believe in celebrating the abundance all around us.
W.C.
A man’s gotta believe in something, and I believe I’ll have another drink. And like I say, if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. Good day to you, Mr. Gates.
Dane
No, its Dane Allred, we just use this card I found…
Music interruption.
Dane
Thanks to Mr. W.C. Fields who joined us today on Abundance from Character Central.
No comments:
Post a Comment