Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this poem.
Love’s Gentle Rain
by Dane Allred
The gentle rain of our love
Is no torrent to wash the earth bare
But it dots our lives with needed moisture
To see us through the glaring sun of life.
So light the gentle rain falls
We scarce can notice it.
Rather than annoy, it reminds us
With its soft caress of our true love.
When rain does fall into our life,
Let it always be
The gentle rain of love.
This is the video version without music mixed in.
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Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Abundance Nature July 24
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the complete show of Abundance called Nature from July 24th.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
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at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
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Click on the player to hear the complete show of Abundance called Nature from July 24th.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
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Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sonnet Five by William Shakespeare
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet V
by William Shakespeare
Those hours, that with gentle work did frame
The lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell,
Will play the tyrants to the very same
And that unfair which fairly doth excel:
For never-resting time leads summer on
To hideous winter and confounds him there;
Sap cheque'd with frost and lusty leaves quite gone,
Beauty o'ersnow'd and bareness every where:
Then, were not summer's distillation left,
A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass,
Beauty's effect with beauty were bereft,
Nor it nor no remembrance what it was:
But flowers distill'd though they with winter meet,
Leese but their show; their substance still lives sweet.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet V
by William Shakespeare
Those hours, that with gentle work did frame
The lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell,
Will play the tyrants to the very same
And that unfair which fairly doth excel:
For never-resting time leads summer on
To hideous winter and confounds him there;
Sap cheque'd with frost and lusty leaves quite gone,
Beauty o'ersnow'd and bareness every where:
Then, were not summer's distillation left,
A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass,
Beauty's effect with beauty were bereft,
Nor it nor no remembrance what it was:
But flowers distill'd though they with winter meet,
Leese but their show; their substance still lives sweet.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Sonnet Four by William Shakespeare
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet IV
by William Shakespeare
Unthrifty loveliness, why dost thou spend
Upon thyself thy beauty's legacy?
Nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend,
And being frank she lends to those are free.
Then, beauteous niggard, why dost thou abuse
The bounteous largess given thee to give?
Profitless usurer, why dost thou use
So great a sum of sums, yet canst not live?
For having traffic with thyself alone,
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive.
Then how, when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?
Thy unused beauty must be tomb'd with thee,
Which, used, lives th' executor to be.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet IV
by William Shakespeare
Unthrifty loveliness, why dost thou spend
Upon thyself thy beauty's legacy?
Nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend,
And being frank she lends to those are free.
Then, beauteous niggard, why dost thou abuse
The bounteous largess given thee to give?
Profitless usurer, why dost thou use
So great a sum of sums, yet canst not live?
For having traffic with thyself alone,
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive.
Then how, when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?
Thy unused beauty must be tomb'd with thee,
Which, used, lives th' executor to be.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Sonnet Three by William Shakespeare
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet III
by William Shakespeare
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another;
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother.
For where is she so fair whose unear'd womb
Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb
Of his self-love, to stop posterity?
Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime:
So thou through windows of thine age shall see
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live, remember'd not to be,
Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet III
by William Shakespeare
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another;
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother.
For where is she so fair whose unear'd womb
Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb
Of his self-love, to stop posterity?
Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime:
So thou through windows of thine age shall see
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live, remember'd not to be,
Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sonnet Two by William Shakespeare
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet II
by William Shakespeare
When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now,
Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held:
Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days,
To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count and make my old excuse,'
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this sonnet.
Sonnet II
by William Shakespeare
When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now,
Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held:
Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days,
To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count and make my old excuse,'
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Sonnet One by William Shakespeare
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Sonnet I
by William Shakespeare
From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Sonnet I
by William Shakespeare
From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Nature by Dane Allred
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
Nature
by Dane Allred
Surrounded by the natural world
It is easy to feel how connected we all are.
Something about the gentle breeze in the tree
Which selects one single leaf to move
Makes me think the tree is waving to me.
A greeting to acknowledge my presence.
A reminder we are all part of an incredible world.
When that light from the Bright Space
Shines through to me from nature
It reminds me I need to remember
We were all together once in the Bright Space
And the light of every person reflects back
That peaceful calm we all felt there.
There are some in turmoil.
Often there are people in trouble.
Too often, someone is being hurt at the hands of another.
But we were all together in that Bright Space.
If you look closely, you’ll see that spark we all share.
When we combine our talents,
Our energies,
Our focus,
We can accomplish anything we want to do.
When negativity clouds our purpose,
When we forget the closeness we can share,
We neglect our purpose here.
We came here to learn all we could.
We are here to do something only we can do.
You can do that thing you are sent here to do.
Only you can do it.
I am here to help.
Others are here to help.
But only you can accomplish your purpose.
When we consider all those around us
All that surrounds us
In the natural world speaks to us
Encourages us
Supports us.
Nature serves as a reminder of that Bright Space
A day separated by the night,
The sun’s rays to spur our growth.
The promise of a seed
With the potential to become something more.
We are the seed planted here
At this time
At this place
To grow to our own potential
To accomplish all we are meant to do
And when we return to that Bright Space
We will be able to share all we have learned,
Knowing all there is to know.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
Nature
by Dane Allred
Surrounded by the natural world
It is easy to feel how connected we all are.
Something about the gentle breeze in the tree
Which selects one single leaf to move
Makes me think the tree is waving to me.
A greeting to acknowledge my presence.
A reminder we are all part of an incredible world.
When that light from the Bright Space
Shines through to me from nature
It reminds me I need to remember
We were all together once in the Bright Space
And the light of every person reflects back
That peaceful calm we all felt there.
There are some in turmoil.
Often there are people in trouble.
Too often, someone is being hurt at the hands of another.
But we were all together in that Bright Space.
If you look closely, you’ll see that spark we all share.
When we combine our talents,
Our energies,
Our focus,
We can accomplish anything we want to do.
When negativity clouds our purpose,
When we forget the closeness we can share,
We neglect our purpose here.
We came here to learn all we could.
We are here to do something only we can do.
You can do that thing you are sent here to do.
Only you can do it.
I am here to help.
Others are here to help.
But only you can accomplish your purpose.
When we consider all those around us
All that surrounds us
In the natural world speaks to us
Encourages us
Supports us.
Nature serves as a reminder of that Bright Space
A day separated by the night,
The sun’s rays to spur our growth.
The promise of a seed
With the potential to become something more.
We are the seed planted here
At this time
At this place
To grow to our own potential
To accomplish all we are meant to do
And when we return to that Bright Space
We will be able to share all we have learned,
Knowing all there is to know.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night
on K-talk radio
at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Gasoline Energy
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the link to hear the audio version of this piece.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
GASOLINE ENERGY
When you are a teenager you really feel like you are immortal, and nothing can hurt you. Many teenagers lose their lives driving recklessly and never think about the other accidents they may be causing by their certainty about their immortality. I was the same, and was much too lazy to go to the gas station for gasoline for the lawn mower. I had been mowing lawns for several years by this time, sometimes for my grandmother or her neighbor, but mostly my own lawns. Mowing still gives me enormous satisfaction of accomplishment for some reason.
I had recently learned the art of gas siphoning, although I have never used it to steal gasoline. Usually it was to get gas from one vehicle to another or to fuel something like the lawn mower. I needed to mow the lawn and there was no gas in the mower. There was gas in my car, and a section of garden hose handy.
I became very good at siphoning gas, often being asked by my friends to do the honors since they didn't like the taste of gas in their mouths. I don't blame them, and use this story as a cautionary tale; you don't want gas in your mouth.
Someone has said, "Be an example; or be a very serious warning." Take this as a warning. You don't want gas in your digestive tract. At least not the refined petroleum product called gasoline.
When you siphon gasoline there is a critical moment when the gasoline is traveling through the tube where you want to stop sucking on the end of the hose and put it in the receptacle which is receiving the gas. As it travels up the hose and then down the curve, it creates a vacuum which sucks the rest of the gasoline along with it, and once it gets started downhill, there is no stopping it.
You can usually feel the air beginning to push toward your mouth, and that's the time to detach your mouth. Sucking on a piece of garden hose may not seem like an art, but if you suck gently then all will be well. If you suck too hard, the gas will rush right into your mouth, which is what happened to me on this day.
My mouth was filled with gasoline, which tastes pretty much like it smells. It has an oily taste, but a liquidy consistency, so when my mouth recognized that a liquid was in my mouth, it swallowed. I don't think it was more than a teaspoon because I think more would have killed me.
But since I had the gasoline in the mower, and the lawn still needed mowing, I took a few drinks of pop to wash out the taste and didn't think about it anymore.
Until I had mowed for a few minutes. The taste came back up into my mouth in the form of a gasoline belch, which burns your throat on the way up, fills your mouth with the disgusting taste again, and then fills the air and your nostrils with the distinct odor of a service station.
It was kind of humorous the first few times. Then it became irritating, then discomforting. But I had survived worse than this, so when the mowing was finished, I put the lawn mower away.
I think I went in the house to lie down for a while. When I woke up later I felt somewhat better, but now my stomach was rumbling like a volcano ready to explode, and the cramps it was giving me were doubling me over every few minutes.
After a while it seemed to pass and I went on with my day, trying to forget the gasoline coursing through my system. I'm sure it was cleaning me out, but I don't think any of the additives were meant to clean out people.
Sorry you have to hear this next part, but remember, this is an instructional tale. As the gasoline had cleaned out my intestines it produced a rare end (!) result which I will call flaming elimination. If you have ever had a bowel movement which was painful you may approach the searing pain you will feel as gasoline propelled waste is ejected from your body. It not only burns coming out, it burns after in a rare way usually reserved for those in severe need of hemorrhoid medications. But much, much worse.
I'm glad there wasn't an open flame close by. A flame would have only complicated this unique pain. I have never felt so completely trashed as when I swallowed a bit of gasoline and had the rare treat to endure what refined oil does to the human body.
At least I know now what it feels like to be supercharged.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night on K-talk radio at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Click on the link to hear the audio version of this piece.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
GASOLINE ENERGY
When you are a teenager you really feel like you are immortal, and nothing can hurt you. Many teenagers lose their lives driving recklessly and never think about the other accidents they may be causing by their certainty about their immortality. I was the same, and was much too lazy to go to the gas station for gasoline for the lawn mower. I had been mowing lawns for several years by this time, sometimes for my grandmother or her neighbor, but mostly my own lawns. Mowing still gives me enormous satisfaction of accomplishment for some reason.
I had recently learned the art of gas siphoning, although I have never used it to steal gasoline. Usually it was to get gas from one vehicle to another or to fuel something like the lawn mower. I needed to mow the lawn and there was no gas in the mower. There was gas in my car, and a section of garden hose handy.
I became very good at siphoning gas, often being asked by my friends to do the honors since they didn't like the taste of gas in their mouths. I don't blame them, and use this story as a cautionary tale; you don't want gas in your mouth.
Someone has said, "Be an example; or be a very serious warning." Take this as a warning. You don't want gas in your digestive tract. At least not the refined petroleum product called gasoline.
When you siphon gasoline there is a critical moment when the gasoline is traveling through the tube where you want to stop sucking on the end of the hose and put it in the receptacle which is receiving the gas. As it travels up the hose and then down the curve, it creates a vacuum which sucks the rest of the gasoline along with it, and once it gets started downhill, there is no stopping it.
You can usually feel the air beginning to push toward your mouth, and that's the time to detach your mouth. Sucking on a piece of garden hose may not seem like an art, but if you suck gently then all will be well. If you suck too hard, the gas will rush right into your mouth, which is what happened to me on this day.
My mouth was filled with gasoline, which tastes pretty much like it smells. It has an oily taste, but a liquidy consistency, so when my mouth recognized that a liquid was in my mouth, it swallowed. I don't think it was more than a teaspoon because I think more would have killed me.
But since I had the gasoline in the mower, and the lawn still needed mowing, I took a few drinks of pop to wash out the taste and didn't think about it anymore.
Until I had mowed for a few minutes. The taste came back up into my mouth in the form of a gasoline belch, which burns your throat on the way up, fills your mouth with the disgusting taste again, and then fills the air and your nostrils with the distinct odor of a service station.
It was kind of humorous the first few times. Then it became irritating, then discomforting. But I had survived worse than this, so when the mowing was finished, I put the lawn mower away.
I think I went in the house to lie down for a while. When I woke up later I felt somewhat better, but now my stomach was rumbling like a volcano ready to explode, and the cramps it was giving me were doubling me over every few minutes.
After a while it seemed to pass and I went on with my day, trying to forget the gasoline coursing through my system. I'm sure it was cleaning me out, but I don't think any of the additives were meant to clean out people.
Sorry you have to hear this next part, but remember, this is an instructional tale. As the gasoline had cleaned out my intestines it produced a rare end (!) result which I will call flaming elimination. If you have ever had a bowel movement which was painful you may approach the searing pain you will feel as gasoline propelled waste is ejected from your body. It not only burns coming out, it burns after in a rare way usually reserved for those in severe need of hemorrhoid medications. But much, much worse.
I'm glad there wasn't an open flame close by. A flame would have only complicated this unique pain. I have never felt so completely trashed as when I swallowed a bit of gasoline and had the rare treat to endure what refined oil does to the human body.
At least I know now what it feels like to be supercharged.
Listen to live episodes of “Abundance” every Sunday night on K-talk radio at 7 PM MST (9 PM EST, 6 PM PST)
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first week FREE!!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Challenges by Dane Allred
Go to 1001 Thanks or daneallred.com for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this episode.
Bright Space
Challenges
by Dane Allred
When we face the challenges of living in this complicated world
There are times we get discouraged
Facing the choices of each day
Thinking we are alone can make the smallest of decisions
Overwhelming
When we wonder what to do
When we try to decide between
This and that
We need to remember that we were all once together
In that Bright Space
Where we knew all there was to know
In perfect harmony
But then we realized
We could know more
Be more
If we came here to experience
This life of ours.
We are learning how to deal with our challenges
One day at a time.
But there are kindred souls on this journey with us
All those who were with us in the Bright Space
Here to help us remember
Why we are here
What we are here to learn
So when we return to the Bright Space
To share all we have experienced
Our challenges are our special challenges
Meant just for us
Just the kind of challenge we were sent here to face
In a way that only we could.
But we don’t have to face it alone.
Look around.
There are people everywhere who are ready to help
Those people who were with us in the Bright Space.
Who are ready to help us learn all that we can learn.
It happens when that person we just met
Seems to be someone we have known forever
It happens when that certain thing happens
Which couldn’t happen
When that intersection of my world and your world
Collide.
Pay attention so you don’t miss that one person
That one situation meant to help you along the way.
Then you will be able to accomplish those things your were meant to do
Those things you are here to do
Let’s watch for each other
And when we recognize that light we once shared
We can help each other
Accomplish all that we need to do.
What will we accomplish together?
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first two weeks FREE!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this episode.
Bright Space
Challenges
by Dane Allred
When we face the challenges of living in this complicated world
There are times we get discouraged
Facing the choices of each day
Thinking we are alone can make the smallest of decisions
Overwhelming
When we wonder what to do
When we try to decide between
This and that
We need to remember that we were all once together
In that Bright Space
Where we knew all there was to know
In perfect harmony
But then we realized
We could know more
Be more
If we came here to experience
This life of ours.
We are learning how to deal with our challenges
One day at a time.
But there are kindred souls on this journey with us
All those who were with us in the Bright Space
Here to help us remember
Why we are here
What we are here to learn
So when we return to the Bright Space
To share all we have experienced
Our challenges are our special challenges
Meant just for us
Just the kind of challenge we were sent here to face
In a way that only we could.
But we don’t have to face it alone.
Look around.
There are people everywhere who are ready to help
Those people who were with us in the Bright Space.
Who are ready to help us learn all that we can learn.
It happens when that person we just met
Seems to be someone we have known forever
It happens when that certain thing happens
Which couldn’t happen
When that intersection of my world and your world
Collide.
Pay attention so you don’t miss that one person
That one situation meant to help you along the way.
Then you will be able to accomplish those things your were meant to do
Those things you are here to do
Let’s watch for each other
And when we recognize that light we once shared
We can help each other
Accomplish all that we need to do.
What will we accomplish together?
Click here to subscribe for 99 cents a month -- first two weeks FREE!!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wandering in Diapers
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this episode.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
WANDERING IN DIAPERS
The earliest example I know of some accidental encounters is when I was very young, and after dumping cereal all over the kitchen floor, apparently I liked to wander out the door. Then I would wander in the fields next to our home. I'm not sure how my parents found me in the tall weeds, but I guess I always made it back.
One of my earliest adventure occurred after Tommy Green and I had stolen some eggs from my Grandpa Allred's chicken coop. They were in the coat pockets of my brand new winter coat. We decided to go to the teeter totter next, and then Tommy Green helped me understand how truly flexible I really am.
He jumped off the teeter totter while I was at the top on the other side. I crashed to the ground in a heap, landing butt first. I rolled over on my side in pain, but there was no permanent damage. At least to me.
The eggs in my pockets became a gooey mess and I did my best to squeeze out all of the runny eggs and shells. I was only four years old, and didn't do a very good job. The coat smelled like eggs for the rest of the winter, and every so often I would reach in my pocket and find another piece of egg shell.
I was too petrified to tell my mother I had been stealing eggs. I was way too petrified to tell her I had ruined my brand new coat.
So I endured the inconvenience for the winter.
When I heard my grandfather was dying, I took two eggs and blew out the insides. My daughters were young, and I had them write a nice message on the eggs.
When I visited him later in the hospital, I related the tale for the first time to anyone - to my grandfather. He just laughed and looked at the hollow eggs. It was the last time I saw him alive, and it is still a sweet memory to me.
I remember asking him at the hospital if he needed anything. He asked me if I would loan him five dollars. I told him I was short on cash and we both laughed.
While still in diapers I ate half a beetle once. At least my mother said she found a half-beetle in my hand. And speaking of insects, we used to have a deep freeze in the garage where the ice cream was stored. I used to get a glass and a spoon and scoop the ice cream in the garage. Then it was back into the house for some milk and mix up the two for an instant milkshake.
I was probably nine or ten. I sat in the front room watching TV in the darkness, and then felt it. It seemed like there was a piece of cardboard in my mouth, maybe from the ice cream container? I reached into my mouth and pulled it out. It wriggled. In my fingers, and moments before in my mouth, was an earwig. As I realized what it was, I threw it across the room, and then, immediately went over where I had thrown it, just to make sure what I had seen. I didn't find it, but I know what I had seen, and felt in my mouth.
I didn't have milkshakes for a while.
I have had food poisoning a few times, and it usually ends up from eating some potluck. I think the training for this kind of food abuse came from when I used to help my Dad cut pine poles in the mountains. Mom would send us with baloney sandwiches which would sit in the cab of the truck all morning heating up in the sun.
By the time we usually got around to eating them the bologna was warm and the mayonnaise was hot. I know that the bacteria count was in the millions, because I usually was sick the next day. At least I got to know what food poisoning feels like.
For those who haven't experienced this rare treat, wait until you hear a statistic. Studies have shown that most of us get food poisoning at least once a year, and we think it is the 24-hour flu. All I know is that the last time I had food poisoning, I was so sick I threw up seven or eight times before I was through. It all took place during one day, and after a couple of days I was feeling fine. It's the kind of cleaning out most of us never want to experience again - until our next pot luck.
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this episode.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
WANDERING IN DIAPERS
The earliest example I know of some accidental encounters is when I was very young, and after dumping cereal all over the kitchen floor, apparently I liked to wander out the door. Then I would wander in the fields next to our home. I'm not sure how my parents found me in the tall weeds, but I guess I always made it back.
One of my earliest adventure occurred after Tommy Green and I had stolen some eggs from my Grandpa Allred's chicken coop. They were in the coat pockets of my brand new winter coat. We decided to go to the teeter totter next, and then Tommy Green helped me understand how truly flexible I really am.
He jumped off the teeter totter while I was at the top on the other side. I crashed to the ground in a heap, landing butt first. I rolled over on my side in pain, but there was no permanent damage. At least to me.
The eggs in my pockets became a gooey mess and I did my best to squeeze out all of the runny eggs and shells. I was only four years old, and didn't do a very good job. The coat smelled like eggs for the rest of the winter, and every so often I would reach in my pocket and find another piece of egg shell.
I was too petrified to tell my mother I had been stealing eggs. I was way too petrified to tell her I had ruined my brand new coat.
So I endured the inconvenience for the winter.
When I heard my grandfather was dying, I took two eggs and blew out the insides. My daughters were young, and I had them write a nice message on the eggs.
When I visited him later in the hospital, I related the tale for the first time to anyone - to my grandfather. He just laughed and looked at the hollow eggs. It was the last time I saw him alive, and it is still a sweet memory to me.
I remember asking him at the hospital if he needed anything. He asked me if I would loan him five dollars. I told him I was short on cash and we both laughed.
While still in diapers I ate half a beetle once. At least my mother said she found a half-beetle in my hand. And speaking of insects, we used to have a deep freeze in the garage where the ice cream was stored. I used to get a glass and a spoon and scoop the ice cream in the garage. Then it was back into the house for some milk and mix up the two for an instant milkshake.
I was probably nine or ten. I sat in the front room watching TV in the darkness, and then felt it. It seemed like there was a piece of cardboard in my mouth, maybe from the ice cream container? I reached into my mouth and pulled it out. It wriggled. In my fingers, and moments before in my mouth, was an earwig. As I realized what it was, I threw it across the room, and then, immediately went over where I had thrown it, just to make sure what I had seen. I didn't find it, but I know what I had seen, and felt in my mouth.
I didn't have milkshakes for a while.
I have had food poisoning a few times, and it usually ends up from eating some potluck. I think the training for this kind of food abuse came from when I used to help my Dad cut pine poles in the mountains. Mom would send us with baloney sandwiches which would sit in the cab of the truck all morning heating up in the sun.
By the time we usually got around to eating them the bologna was warm and the mayonnaise was hot. I know that the bacteria count was in the millions, because I usually was sick the next day. At least I got to know what food poisoning feels like.
For those who haven't experienced this rare treat, wait until you hear a statistic. Studies have shown that most of us get food poisoning at least once a year, and we think it is the 24-hour flu. All I know is that the last time I had food poisoning, I was so sick I threw up seven or eight times before I was through. It all took place during one day, and after a couple of days I was feeling fine. It's the kind of cleaning out most of us never want to experience again - until our next pot luck.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Abundance Light July 10
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the complete episode.
This is the entire episode of Abundance called Light from July 10 including:
An Adventure Into Accident from Dane Allred's "A World of Hurt"
Light by Dane Allred from "Bright Space"
Forgetting My Anniversary from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred"
Marry Me from "Dane Allred's Partly-colored Dreamcoat"
Chapter Three of "The Plodder's Mile" by Dane Allred
The Devil's Little Brother-In-Law by Parker Fillmore from "Literature Out Loud"
Click on the player to hear the complete episode.
This is the entire episode of Abundance called Light from July 10 including:
An Adventure Into Accident from Dane Allred's "A World of Hurt"
Light by Dane Allred from "Bright Space"
Forgetting My Anniversary from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred"
Marry Me from "Dane Allred's Partly-colored Dreamcoat"
Chapter Three of "The Plodder's Mile" by Dane Allred
The Devil's Little Brother-In-Law by Parker Fillmore from "Literature Out Loud"
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Light by Dane Allred
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
by Dane Allred
Light
There is light and darkness
Joy and suffering
Life and death
And so many opportunities to experience the extremes in this life.
As we journey along the path our life leads us
Wondering what each day will bring
We rejoice at the times our lives are filled with light
Remembering what happiness the glow can bring us
And how it makes us filled with light
It makes us feel light
And we want to hold onto that feeling forever
There is a reason we love the light
And fight against the darkness
There is a reason we are drawn to the light
Dancing like moths before a flame
Trying to reach the light
Hoping to become the light
Wondering how something so glorious
Could exist.
We are light.
We were in the Bright Space together
And knew the joy of the light
It filled us and inspired us.
Our work was to celebrate that Bright Space
Where all of us experienced the joys of every individual
But a time came when knowing all there was to know was not enough
Being together limited what we could know
And there was no way to learn anything more
Unless we came here on our own to experience the light and the dark of our individual lives.
We remember vaguely the Bright Space and the happiness we felt when we were all together
We remember vaguely our association one with another in that glorious light.
When we bask in the light of the day,
We recapture a bit of the joy we once had,
When we struggle in the darkness, we are reminded of the journey we are making
To learn all that we can learn
Until our journey is finished
And we return to that Bright Space to add our voice
With our own experiences.
Then we will truly know all there is to know
And the light within us will compliment the Bright Space
And we will no longer have to live on borrowed light.
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
by Dane Allred
Light
There is light and darkness
Joy and suffering
Life and death
And so many opportunities to experience the extremes in this life.
As we journey along the path our life leads us
Wondering what each day will bring
We rejoice at the times our lives are filled with light
Remembering what happiness the glow can bring us
And how it makes us filled with light
It makes us feel light
And we want to hold onto that feeling forever
There is a reason we love the light
And fight against the darkness
There is a reason we are drawn to the light
Dancing like moths before a flame
Trying to reach the light
Hoping to become the light
Wondering how something so glorious
Could exist.
We are light.
We were in the Bright Space together
And knew the joy of the light
It filled us and inspired us.
Our work was to celebrate that Bright Space
Where all of us experienced the joys of every individual
But a time came when knowing all there was to know was not enough
Being together limited what we could know
And there was no way to learn anything more
Unless we came here on our own to experience the light and the dark of our individual lives.
We remember vaguely the Bright Space and the happiness we felt when we were all together
We remember vaguely our association one with another in that glorious light.
When we bask in the light of the day,
We recapture a bit of the joy we once had,
When we struggle in the darkness, we are reminded of the journey we are making
To learn all that we can learn
Until our journey is finished
And we return to that Bright Space to add our voice
With our own experiences.
Then we will truly know all there is to know
And the light within us will compliment the Bright Space
And we will no longer have to live on borrowed light.
Monday, July 11, 2011
An Adventure into Accident
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
AN ADVENTURE INTO ACCIDENT
While many people have accidents, most people are fortunate to have these inconveniences limited to a few during their lifetimes. Some accidents are so big they end a life. My problem is that my life has become an aggregation of accidental slips, falls and mishaps that have massed into an incredible list of near misses. But wait - isn't a near miss a hit? I think that's what you would call my chronicle of misadventures into the self-administered accident.
Mostly hits, with a few misses. Most of the accidents I have been involved in are my fault. I've never had another car run into me, a person knock me down while hurrying to a plane, or even been the victim of a stray bullet.
I take that back. I was the target of an arrow once, and when it hit me right next to my eye, I bled a little. I made the mistake of telling my mother, who immediately decided I needed the dreaded tetanus shot. I have had a few of these shots since then, but if you have never had one of these, it is much like getting a shot of peanut butter through a giant hypodermic needle. It hurts like crazy and makes a painful mound that takes a while to subside.
The bad news is that you only need a tetanus shot, according to what I have heard, if you have in fact had your skin penetrated by metal - like a rusty nail. I forgot to tell my mom that it was only a wooden arrow until we were on the way home. I don't know if she was madder than I was. She had spent money she probably didn't need to, but I had a sore butt and eye.
I have also been the victim of an errant snowboard. The guy crashed into me so hard it knocked me out of my skis. People stopped to see if I was dead, but I only mumbled I would be bruised. He shouted back at me as he careened down the mountain, “Sorry man, I can’t carve!”
This chronicle of pain focuses mostly on the mistakes and missteps I have made, but I've also included some of the adventures of my family. I think now that I've got grownup children I would rather the pain and suffering occur to me, but why does there have to be so much pain and suffering? I guess it's better me than them, but if you stop to chronicle your accidents and mishaps, I hope it's a few less than the 50 I will be discussing.
That's right. Fifty.
When I started the list, I was surprised at how fast the list of my tales of misadventures grew into many pages. I was overwhelmed at thinking of the pains and stresses I have survived. Now that I'm over fifty years old, it seems I have had an adventure for every year I've lived.
Maybe writing those down will end the run. And I'll include some of the other good experiences I've survived, too.
You may have heard of the Darwin awards. It's a collection of people ending their lives in stupid ways which also ends their ability to keep reproducing. This cuts down on inherited stupidity, but that doesn't help in my case. I've already reproduced. Maybe I'm going to be up for one of those awards someday, and as you hear about these mishaps, you'll wonder how it is I have survived as long as I have.
If I do end my life in some spectacularly stupid fashion (which seems more likely to me the more I write about these adventures), I only ask that someone would take the time to change the name of the award.
It could be called the Danewin Award.
This topic could be required reading as a precautionary tale about stupidity and a genuine lack of brains (more about that later). If I win, that's means I'll no longer be around to suggest the change, but maybe you could suggest that they change it to the Danewon Awards. I think you get the idea. These tales are way too much about me, and very little about the other important people in my life. But at least most of the damage happened to me and not them.
You can also sit back and say to yourself that at least none of this ever happened to you. Or if you have had similar adventures, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you are not the only one on the planet who survives despite your own best efforts.
Maybe you were the guy on the snowboard who couldn’t carve. At least we’ve already bumped into one another.
Let the adventure begin.
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
AN ADVENTURE INTO ACCIDENT
While many people have accidents, most people are fortunate to have these inconveniences limited to a few during their lifetimes. Some accidents are so big they end a life. My problem is that my life has become an aggregation of accidental slips, falls and mishaps that have massed into an incredible list of near misses. But wait - isn't a near miss a hit? I think that's what you would call my chronicle of misadventures into the self-administered accident.
Mostly hits, with a few misses. Most of the accidents I have been involved in are my fault. I've never had another car run into me, a person knock me down while hurrying to a plane, or even been the victim of a stray bullet.
I take that back. I was the target of an arrow once, and when it hit me right next to my eye, I bled a little. I made the mistake of telling my mother, who immediately decided I needed the dreaded tetanus shot. I have had a few of these shots since then, but if you have never had one of these, it is much like getting a shot of peanut butter through a giant hypodermic needle. It hurts like crazy and makes a painful mound that takes a while to subside.
The bad news is that you only need a tetanus shot, according to what I have heard, if you have in fact had your skin penetrated by metal - like a rusty nail. I forgot to tell my mom that it was only a wooden arrow until we were on the way home. I don't know if she was madder than I was. She had spent money she probably didn't need to, but I had a sore butt and eye.
I have also been the victim of an errant snowboard. The guy crashed into me so hard it knocked me out of my skis. People stopped to see if I was dead, but I only mumbled I would be bruised. He shouted back at me as he careened down the mountain, “Sorry man, I can’t carve!”
This chronicle of pain focuses mostly on the mistakes and missteps I have made, but I've also included some of the adventures of my family. I think now that I've got grownup children I would rather the pain and suffering occur to me, but why does there have to be so much pain and suffering? I guess it's better me than them, but if you stop to chronicle your accidents and mishaps, I hope it's a few less than the 50 I will be discussing.
That's right. Fifty.
When I started the list, I was surprised at how fast the list of my tales of misadventures grew into many pages. I was overwhelmed at thinking of the pains and stresses I have survived. Now that I'm over fifty years old, it seems I have had an adventure for every year I've lived.
Maybe writing those down will end the run. And I'll include some of the other good experiences I've survived, too.
You may have heard of the Darwin awards. It's a collection of people ending their lives in stupid ways which also ends their ability to keep reproducing. This cuts down on inherited stupidity, but that doesn't help in my case. I've already reproduced. Maybe I'm going to be up for one of those awards someday, and as you hear about these mishaps, you'll wonder how it is I have survived as long as I have.
If I do end my life in some spectacularly stupid fashion (which seems more likely to me the more I write about these adventures), I only ask that someone would take the time to change the name of the award.
It could be called the Danewin Award.
This topic could be required reading as a precautionary tale about stupidity and a genuine lack of brains (more about that later). If I win, that's means I'll no longer be around to suggest the change, but maybe you could suggest that they change it to the Danewon Awards. I think you get the idea. These tales are way too much about me, and very little about the other important people in my life. But at least most of the damage happened to me and not them.
You can also sit back and say to yourself that at least none of this ever happened to you. Or if you have had similar adventures, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you are not the only one on the planet who survives despite your own best efforts.
Maybe you were the guy on the snowboard who couldn’t carve. At least we’ve already bumped into one another.
Let the adventure begin.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Abundance Keys July 3
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio of this episode.
Abundance
Keys
July 3
This is the complete episode of Abundance from July 3rd which includes the following episodes:
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred -- Tracker Towing
World of Hurt -- Car Wash part one
World of Hurt -- Car Wash part two
Bright Space -- Keys
Biography Out Loud -- O. Henry
Literature Out Loud -- The Ransom of Red Chief by O. Henry
Click on the player to hear the audio of this episode.
Abundance
Keys
July 3
This is the complete episode of Abundance from July 3rd which includes the following episodes:
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred -- Tracker Towing
World of Hurt -- Car Wash part one
World of Hurt -- Car Wash part two
Bright Space -- Keys
Biography Out Loud -- O. Henry
Literature Out Loud -- The Ransom of Red Chief by O. Henry
Keys
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
by Dane Allred
Keys
We wander through life wondering why we are here.
Walking down our own road
We look for answers to the many questions
Filling our minds.
What is the key to finding our purpose?
When we left the Bright Space
We forgot all that we knew.
We forgot we were all together
Waiting for a chance to be here now.
Hoping to accomplish all we were sent to do
Hoping to remember we are all working toward the same goal – returning to the Bright Space
So we can all share what we have learned.
We knew all there was to know before we came here.
But unless we tried this stuff called life on our own, That shared experience was not enough.
As we realized we needed to experience
This world on our own,
The key to our success was to forget all that we had known.
To venture on our own.
To find our own way.
But we are here together
You may be the key to my success
Or I may be your key
To unlocking the reason you are here.
Billions of individual stories circling on this spinning marble
Wondering about our futures
Considering our part
Hoping to make a difference we lived here.
But remembering we were once together
Might be the key to end the fighting
The tension
The conflict.
Problems we encounter need our solutions
And the best news is our solutions
Are fellow travelers with us.
Turn to those around you to find the key
To those thorny problems you may be facing.
The key to your success may be only a step or two away.
One or two steps in physical space
Or a step or two searching the wide world.
If you wander wondering why you are here,
Look around yourself as you walk that road.
I was there with you.
You were there with me.
We are here to learn all that we can learn
And return to know all that we can know.
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this piece.
Bright Space
by Dane Allred
Keys
We wander through life wondering why we are here.
Walking down our own road
We look for answers to the many questions
Filling our minds.
What is the key to finding our purpose?
When we left the Bright Space
We forgot all that we knew.
We forgot we were all together
Waiting for a chance to be here now.
Hoping to accomplish all we were sent to do
Hoping to remember we are all working toward the same goal – returning to the Bright Space
So we can all share what we have learned.
We knew all there was to know before we came here.
But unless we tried this stuff called life on our own, That shared experience was not enough.
As we realized we needed to experience
This world on our own,
The key to our success was to forget all that we had known.
To venture on our own.
To find our own way.
But we are here together
You may be the key to my success
Or I may be your key
To unlocking the reason you are here.
Billions of individual stories circling on this spinning marble
Wondering about our futures
Considering our part
Hoping to make a difference we lived here.
But remembering we were once together
Might be the key to end the fighting
The tension
The conflict.
Problems we encounter need our solutions
And the best news is our solutions
Are fellow travelers with us.
Turn to those around you to find the key
To those thorny problems you may be facing.
The key to your success may be only a step or two away.
One or two steps in physical space
Or a step or two searching the wide world.
If you wander wondering why you are here,
Look around yourself as you walk that road.
I was there with you.
You were there with me.
We are here to learn all that we can learn
And return to know all that we can know.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Car Wash part two
Go to 1001 Thanks for more selections, including other original pieces by Dane Allred and his audio versions of many famous novels, short stories and poems called Literature Out Loud, plus lots more!!
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
Car Wash Part Two
In Part One, I had just been thrashed in the car wash by the brushes and completely soaked. After pushing the car back up onto the sensor, the wash resumed. I sat cursing about my stupidity. After a few moments, the car wash stopped again. I waited for a moment to make sure all was clear. I had decided to go to the back of the car to push it out of the bay. The bump on the front of the sensor was big, and I was certain it would take quite a shove.
I got low to the ground and put my shoulder up against the tail lights. With one mighty shove, the car went forward perfectly - back up onto the sensor. This time I was behind the car, and the frenzied foaming brushes followed me right back to the driver's seat. I had fallen for the same joke twice. The car had come off the sensor twice. I had been wet before, but now I was completely soaked. It felt like I had 30 gallons of water poured on me while 100 foamy whips tried to catch me.
As I sat and watched the brushes move around and over the car, I was glad it was getting clean. I also decided that this time when the car wash stopped, whether the wash was done or not, I was going to push the car backwards out of the bay. I may be slow, but I am not totally stupid.
When the suds stopped flying I sat for at least a minute. I rocked back and forth inside the car to try to get it to go again. I looked around to see if anyone was waiting for the wash and laughing. After seeing the coast was clear, I pushed the car out the back of the wash. Except I pushed so hard that I couldn't turn the wheel inside fast enough, so it got stuck in the bend of the entrance. This carwash had a semicircular entrance, and here was my soaked car being attended by its sopping wet owner stuck on the concrete sides of a curving entrance.
A Samaritan was lurking close by, and without commenting on my wet clothes and the fact that I was trying to exit from the entrance of the car wash, he helped push the car back and forth until I could turn the wheel and free myself from the carwash of disaster. We pushed the car back another 30 feet into a parking space and I thanked him for his help. I told him the battery was dead, and that seemed to silence his questions about me being dripping wet. I can imagine his conversation at home that night. "See, the reason I am late dear is that this guy's battery died in the carwash and I helped him push the car out of the entrance. I don't know why, but this guy was all wet, too." This would be where the significant other starts smelling the breath of the good Samaritan.
I stood there by myself for a minute. The car was dead and dripping. I was soaked but not defeated, but I was standing next to the newest mall in the city in sopping wet clothes next to a wet car. I decided that it was time for me to go to the nearby Kmart and get a new battery. Even if the old one was fine, I was not going to stand around and wait for the both of us to dry. I guess I figured that if I was walking around not near a wet car people might think I had just been at a water party. It was August after all, and I was only a few miles from the local water park.
I walked the two blocks to Kmart. The good people there must see mostly everything because no one said a word about my wet clothes. By the time I had walked the battery back to the car (try carrying a car battery two blocks inconspicuously), I was starting to feel refreshed. I was clean; I had just taken a bit of exercise; I was ready to repair my car.
The battery was the only problem. With my trust crescent wrench I removed the old one, put in the new one, and the now dry car started up like a dream. I confidently went back to Kmart and got my core refund for the old battery and drove home in style, ready for a new school year.
I didn't share the story for a few days, just to let the humiliation of the event drain off a bit. I have been back to that carwash since then, but as yet, I have not had to get out again mid-wash.
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
Car Wash Part Two
In Part One, I had just been thrashed in the car wash by the brushes and completely soaked. After pushing the car back up onto the sensor, the wash resumed. I sat cursing about my stupidity. After a few moments, the car wash stopped again. I waited for a moment to make sure all was clear. I had decided to go to the back of the car to push it out of the bay. The bump on the front of the sensor was big, and I was certain it would take quite a shove.
I got low to the ground and put my shoulder up against the tail lights. With one mighty shove, the car went forward perfectly - back up onto the sensor. This time I was behind the car, and the frenzied foaming brushes followed me right back to the driver's seat. I had fallen for the same joke twice. The car had come off the sensor twice. I had been wet before, but now I was completely soaked. It felt like I had 30 gallons of water poured on me while 100 foamy whips tried to catch me.
As I sat and watched the brushes move around and over the car, I was glad it was getting clean. I also decided that this time when the car wash stopped, whether the wash was done or not, I was going to push the car backwards out of the bay. I may be slow, but I am not totally stupid.
When the suds stopped flying I sat for at least a minute. I rocked back and forth inside the car to try to get it to go again. I looked around to see if anyone was waiting for the wash and laughing. After seeing the coast was clear, I pushed the car out the back of the wash. Except I pushed so hard that I couldn't turn the wheel inside fast enough, so it got stuck in the bend of the entrance. This carwash had a semicircular entrance, and here was my soaked car being attended by its sopping wet owner stuck on the concrete sides of a curving entrance.
A Samaritan was lurking close by, and without commenting on my wet clothes and the fact that I was trying to exit from the entrance of the car wash, he helped push the car back and forth until I could turn the wheel and free myself from the carwash of disaster. We pushed the car back another 30 feet into a parking space and I thanked him for his help. I told him the battery was dead, and that seemed to silence his questions about me being dripping wet. I can imagine his conversation at home that night. "See, the reason I am late dear is that this guy's battery died in the carwash and I helped him push the car out of the entrance. I don't know why, but this guy was all wet, too." This would be where the significant other starts smelling the breath of the good Samaritan.
I stood there by myself for a minute. The car was dead and dripping. I was soaked but not defeated, but I was standing next to the newest mall in the city in sopping wet clothes next to a wet car. I decided that it was time for me to go to the nearby Kmart and get a new battery. Even if the old one was fine, I was not going to stand around and wait for the both of us to dry. I guess I figured that if I was walking around not near a wet car people might think I had just been at a water party. It was August after all, and I was only a few miles from the local water park.
I walked the two blocks to Kmart. The good people there must see mostly everything because no one said a word about my wet clothes. By the time I had walked the battery back to the car (try carrying a car battery two blocks inconspicuously), I was starting to feel refreshed. I was clean; I had just taken a bit of exercise; I was ready to repair my car.
The battery was the only problem. With my trust crescent wrench I removed the old one, put in the new one, and the now dry car started up like a dream. I confidently went back to Kmart and got my core refund for the old battery and drove home in style, ready for a new school year.
I didn't share the story for a few days, just to let the humiliation of the event drain off a bit. I have been back to that carwash since then, but as yet, I have not had to get out again mid-wash.
Car Wash Part One
Click on the player to hear the audio version of this episode.
Dane Allred’s World of Hurt
Car Wash part one
My oldest daughter was married in my back yard. Preparing for the wedding was when the infamous spading incident happened. Everything went well at the wedding, but one of my cars sat unused for a couple of months. One of my favorite cars, the Mazda was still around at this time, but the battery was completely dead and it hadn't been running all summer. During the school year we usually need two cars, but summer is a different matter, and the pile of grey metal just sat in the driveway waiting for me to replace the battery. A few days after the wedding, I decided it was time to get the car going since fall semester was quickly approaching. I talked Debbie into pulling me around the parking lot with a rope tied to the Tracker, and after a bit the engine kicked in and seemed to be running fine. I went up to Debbie and told her I was going to charge up the battery by driving the car over to Provo and back, and disconnected the rope and went on my way hoping the battery was recharging.
The car was running fine, even after sitting for more than a month without being used. It was terribly dirty from summer storms and swirling dirt, so as I filled the tank I noticed the gas station also offered car washes. I filled the tank without turning off the engine for fear it would die and wouldn't start again. I kept looking at the sign that said to turn off your car before fueling and wondered if I was super-flammable or just regularly-flammable. But the car wash distracted me and I decided to get a car wash while I was there.
I hadn't turned the car off and figured I could keep it running in the car wash and then just drive it home. From the reading on the battery gauge I wasn't convinced the battery was recharging and I didn't want to get stuck somewhere where I couldn't get pull-started again. But I decided on the car wash anyway. What could happen?
I pulled in and as soon as I settled into the slot for the front tire I let the clutch out. Habit. The car promptly died. I winced and I tried to start the car again as the car wash started up. The battery was completely dead and only a new battery would solve the problem. I decided to make the best of the situation and just sit and enjoy the carwash, determining to push the car out of the bay after the wash was done. I looked behind me and was glad to see there was no one waiting for the bay that would see me pushing out my sopping wet car.
I took my foot off the brake and tried to relax. Perhaps I could get a battery at the local Kmart which was only two blocks away. But then the car wash stopped and I was faced with the prospect of pushing a wet car over the sensor.
I got out of the car and noticed that the giant brushes which wash the side of the car were aligned just at the back of the car. I didn't think much of that, but instead jammed my body into the crack of the partially opened door and heaved. The car went forward a few inches back up onto the sensor.
The car wash started up again. The six-foot foam brushes started spinning in circles just behind me, and thoroughly soaked me with their water spray. As I started to hop back into the car, I was whipped several times by the wet, foamy, soapy tentacles of the beast. It was like being beaten with a giant mop.
As I soaked slowly in the driver's seat, I realized what had happened. I had been parked on top of the sensor and when I took my foot off the brake, the car rolled back off the sensing pad and stopped the wash to avoid damage to the equipment. The car wash designers didn't want cars backing up into their expensive machinery while the wash was going.
I felt like an idiot. Plus, it really took quite a bit of effort to get the car just back up onto the sensor. As I sat and waited for the wash to finish, I cursed my stupidity and was also thankful for my luck. I could have been severely injured by the moving parts of the machinery, but my guardian angel was simply laughing at the wet guy sitting in the car.
Seriously, I wonder at times just how I have survived these many accidents. Stupidity may be the key.
You may think this story is at an end, but in Part Two, I’ll get the final rinse.
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