Airport Excitement

Powered by Podbean.com

Click on the player to hear a podcast of this blog.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred

Airport Excitement

I don’t think Jesse had ever been on a plane before. He didn’t tell me this, but I wonder why he endangered our trip. I was his chaperone, and we were going to the National Debate Tournament. We were on our way to a week in Michigan, and I hoped to visit the Mall of America.

If you have never been, you should try to get there someday. It is an incredible two story humongous mall, with a roller coaster inside. That’s right. A roller coaster inside the mall. Back then it had Snoopy, Charlie Brown, Peanuts theme, and it probably still does. But I almost missed it all because of Jesse.

Don’t get me wrong. Jesse is one of my favorite all time students. He was fun to be around, and was a very talented student. But there are some things you just don’t say at the airport. This was back in the day before 9/11, but airport security has always been tough, especially when you try to joke with the ticketing agent.

I understand the need for security, and the most recent addition is going to be full body scans. This means there is a machine which will show the outline of your body. The security guard will be able to see any explosives attached to your person. I’m guessing they will also be able to see any enhancements, or additions, or padding you may be carrying. It doesn’t bother me, but I can see why it might bother some women. I wouldn’t want to be scanned, but I guess if we are going to fly, we will all be scanned. I heard recently 150 body scan machines have been ordered.

I don’t even like to be weighed at the doctor’s office. For some reason, their scale always makes me heavier than the home scale. I don’t really weigh myself that much. But I also don’t want to have one of those caliper tests, because I know my body fat is higher than it should be. But that’s because I like being fat. I was skinny until after college, and being a skinny guy is really a pain. So when I gained about 50 pounds in my twenties, I was ecstatic. I like being fat. Well, a little fat; not morbidly obese, but I do have a spare tire. I carry my spare food with me.

I could be healthier, but I have run 3 marathons at a very, very slow speed. There were some parts of the race I’m sure I was the only one who knew I was running. It probably looked more like a hurry-up shuffle, but sometimes after 26.2 miles, how else is a fat guy supposed to look?

Jesse and I had big plans for this tournament. I had made a bunch of t-shirts that weren’t authorized for sale at the tournament. I wanted to use the sale of the shirts to buy tickets to some show tickets that were playing while we were there. I set up a table and sold the t-shirts and the money was rolling in. That is, until the guy in charge of the tournament confronted me and asked who had authorized me to sell this stuff. He was satisfied with the one hundred dollars I gave him, and I have a sneaking suspicion he didn’t tell anyone else about our little transaction.

The good news is we did get to see the shows, the Mall of America and even went to Planet Hollywood when there was still one there. I don’t think there is a Planet Hollywood there now. But what does all this have to do with what Jesse said at the airport?

I had arranged for the tickets in advance, and since he was 18 by then, he was also travelling as an adult. Jesse has a really good sense of humor, and he liked to make people laugh. I looked at the ticket agent and decided this was a man who really didn’t like to laugh, and didn’t like it when other people laughed. He had those permanently etched frown lines you see on people who have been at a job they really don’t like, for more years than anyone cares to know.

Jesse turned to me and said, loud enough for all to hear, “I’d I didn’t bring the gun.” I frowned. The ticket agent frowned, making deeper wrinkles. There was a long pause. I envisioned men in dark suits interviewing us in a small room while our plane left without us.

The ticketing agent asked if I was Jesse’s chaperone. I said he was technically a former student who was 18 and now travelling as an adult. The agent changed Jesse’s ticket to make me his guardian. We made our flight.


This is another episode of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dane Allred”. From the weekly broadcast of “Abundance”. Tune each week from 7 to 8 P.M. Mountain Standard Time (9 to 10 EST) or listen on any web browser at www.k-talk.com.